There comes a point in nearly every couple’s relationship when sex starts to feel-how should I put this delicately- lackluster. This is to be expected. Even the most passionate relationships lose steam after years of having sex the same way. Odds are there are plenty of sexual activities that you’ve thought about exploring but haven’t divulged to your partner. Well, my friend, now’s the time to share those desires and get a little kinky in the bedroom.
The word “kinky” can conjure up unsavory images: leather-clad ne’er-do-wells brandishing whips, the gimp in Pulp Fiction, and the terrible dialogue in Fifty Shades of Grey. But these are all extreme versions of kink and BDSM. Kink can simply be when you slap your wife’s ass or she calls you daddy.
Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to crank up the kink and add a little-or a lot-of spice to your flat-lined sex life. We spoke with sexual health experts and surveyed roughly 1,500 about their sex life. Sixty-five percent of people surveyed said they’d be down to experiment with some kink whereas only 35% said they’re vanilla. (Of note, only 24% of twenty-somethings said they’re “vanilla,” compared to 46% of people 50 or over.) So, there’s a decent likelihood that your partner is open to the idea of exploring kinks and fantasies in the boudoir.
How to talk about kinky sex:
It might be daunting to have a conversation about trying something new in bed before you’re actually, you know, in bed. But it’s crucial nonetheless: if you pull out your new moves in the moment, your partner might be caught totally off guard, and no one wants that. You want your partner to feel comfortable and excited about the experience, which is why you want to get enthusiastic consent before trying anything out.
Start the conversation over a glass of wine at dinner-or in some other setting where you’re both comfortable and relaxed, suggests Sadie Allison, a doctor of human sexuality and author of The Mystery of the Undercover Clitoris.
It might be easier to begin this talk with relatively tame fantasies or role-playing ideas, says Allison. It may also help to ask her what she’s into first. That way, you’re making it about her desires as well as your own, she adds. When it’s your turn to share, be positive and confident about what you’re into. If you make a big deal about asking, or if you look terrified once you make the request, that could freak your partner out.
Also, be clear that you’re not expecting this every time you do it-only once in a while as a change of pace. “Most people can cope with doing kinky things consistently but irregularly,” says Tracey Cox, a U.K.-based sex expert and best-selling author. “Few want to do it every single session.”
And, above all FilipinoCupid else, don’t force things, Cox warns. If you’ve told her you’re interested in something and she says it’s not for her, putting up a fight won’t change her mind. It’s simply disrespectful and a blatant disregard for her personal boundaries.
How to prepare for kinky sex:
Watching porn or reading erotica together may help charge you both up and make it easier to discuss new ideas, Allison says. If that sounds weird, just remember that Fifty Shades of Grey was a bestseller for a reason, and it wasn’t because men were reading it. The chances are good that your partner’s interested in this stuff even if she’s never discussed it with you. And it’s a lot easier to simply say, “I like that” while watching or reading about sex than it is to describe your fantasy in detail.